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Number, please!

If hubby is away for the weekend, don’t resign yourself to sitting at home and investing your desire in a large tub of Gino Ginelli. Sex is possible...provided you have good reception.

Just imagine how difficult it would have been in the past to conduct ‘telephone sex’. You would have had to position yourself on only one side of the double bed, because the cable was hopelessly too short. You may have wound it around your toes to keep it in place, before tangling the lamp stand in the process, and in the heat of the moment, pulling the whole thing towards you – leaving a nasty burn on your shoulder blade! Or, you may have found yourself giving your all, only to discover that the cable was unplugged five minutes ago, or the line was crossed and you’d spent unspeakable energy on telling your neighbour exactly what you wanted to do to him (not that he’d have stopped you...!). These days, telephone sex is a lot more easily accessible, thanks to cell phones. You and your mate can have steamy sex even while he’s sitting in a tent on top of some far-flung mountain, and you’re lying in bed! So, calling all telephone sex virgins, pay close attention...

Telephone sex doesn’t have a good reputation. Countless advertisements have used the theme of a woman’s voice which sexily declares over the telephone that she is 1,8 metres tall with golden locks and a perfect pout... that’s she’s wearing a black g-string and nothing more... only to show that the real person behind who she pretends to be is a 65-year-old, 165-kilogram couch potato who’s sitting and painting her toenails while eating a plate of doughnuts while she raises the blood pressure of the unsuspecting sod on the other end of the conversation.

There are men who fall for this multi-million rand industry, and who really do believe that a woman of super-model proportions would shut herself behind doors and spend endless hours on the phone. When INTIMACY recommends telephone sex, however, we aren’t talking about this type, but the sort that costs normal cell phone tariffs and only your marriage partner knows about. “Telephone sex is perhaps something you never considered doing, but it can be a powerful vehicle for building erotic anticipation and fanning the flames of passion. It can help to keep the romance and intimacy alive if you are conducting a long-distance relationship, or if one (or both) of you travel. But even if you and your mate are seldom more than a kilometre apart, telephone sex is a fantastic addition to the rest of your sex life,” says Eve Salinger, author of the book The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Pleasing Your Man, who goes on to say, “Luckily, cell phones have added a whole new dimension to telephone sex. Now, you and your husband can send shivers down each other’s spines while walking down the street, shopping at the supermarket or sitting in the waiting room at the dentist.”

According to a Cosmo report, 85% of men wish their wives would make that call! So, if you suspect your husband is one of them, gather your courage and try the following tips:

  • Before you dial your husband’s number, make sure that he’s in bed, the time is convenient and he isn’t on ‘speaker phone’ amidst a bunch of guy friends!
  • You can start with SMS-foreplay. Send him a naughty SMS as a taster of what you’re suggesting.
  • Dim the lights, pour yourself a glass of wine or pull a romantic novel closer in anticipation of what’s to come, recommends Anne Hooper, author of Great Sex Games.
  • If this is your first time, a simple phrase such as “I wish you were lying here next to me…” will be sufficient.
  • You can also initiate things by reminding him about a great session the two of you had before his trip.
  • If he’s on the same wavelength as you, tell him what you’re wearing. Remember, telephone sex is about fantasy, so please don’t admit you have on your Bridget Jones panties and T-shirt (unless that’s what turns him on!).
  • Tell him how you’re taking your clothes off. Speak slowly and lower your voice. Good telephone sex is like being a verbal Picasso… Paint pictures by using words!
  • Tell him you have spritzed his favourite perfume on your stomach, and you’re lying stretched out on the bed pretending he’s smelling it.
  • Don’t say what you think he wants to hear. The secret to successful and meaningful telephone sex is being genuine. Place emphasis on what makes your husband unique and what you know always attracts him to you.
  • Don’t listen to what you read or what you’ve been told – crass language is not necessarily a requirement for telephone sex. Only be as explicit as you feel comfortable with.
  • Try to get him to tell you what he’d like to do to you. Ask questions such as “Do you want to kiss my breasts?”
  • Paint a picture by using words such as the following: “You are busy slipping your hand into my blouse...”
  • Describe what you’d like him to do, such as: “I wish you were here to glide your tongue over my body.”
  • Speak your heart’s desire, without censoring yourself.
  • You can ask him anything that you wouldn’t ask him in reality, such as if he’d like you to tie his arms to the bed!
  • When your conversation reaches boiling point, take matters into your Touch yourself like you would like him to touch you and in the way which he is describing he is touching you.
  • Tell him how you’re masturbating, and how it feels.
  • Encourage him by telling him exactly where you’d like his hands. Ask him how he’s touching his own body and tell him how you’d like to touch it.
  • This isn’t only a good sex session, but also a good lesson. Next time you’re together, you’ll know exactly how each of you wants to be touched.

Try the following initiators:

  • I dreamt about you yesterday... do you want to know what we did?
  • I thought about you when I was in the shower today... let me tell you about it.    .
  • Let’s do something this weekend we’ve never done before. I have an idea.
  • Do you want to know what I’d do if you were here now?              
  • I’m going to buy underwear later today. Let me tell you what I’m going to try on.

For inspiration, rent the movie The Truth About Cats and Dogs. Wilmé Steenekamp, medical doctor, marriage therapist and sexologist, believes telephone sex can be a lot of fun, provided that it is practised within the context of marriage and provided it doesn’t ever replace the real thing. “It shouldn’t be a substitute for real intimacy, which only happens if there is a problem in the relationship,” she explains.

Wilmé gives the following advice:

  • Make sure you both have privacy.
  • Make sure you are both in the mood for this – it isn’t supposed to be a ‘release’ for just the man while the woman misses out.
  • Lead each other with the help of fantasy – use pictures in your head or think about previous occasions when you had sex together.
  • Use all of your senses to tell a story so that the experience involves as many sensations as possible and is very intense.
  • Ladies, use lubricant when it comes to self-stimulation.
  • This should not become a ritual when you are far away from each other. This can build the expectation that it will happen every time and may cause one person to feel s/he doesn’t have a choice in the matter.

If you stay within healthy boundaries, telephone sex may make that weekend away from each other a bit more bearable! Yes, it may drive the cost of your telephone bill up, but it’s well worth the investment. So, use your imagination and put your husband on speed dial!