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Your turn, Eve!

The years of lying silently on your side in expectation, waiting for hubby to tap you on the shoulder to signal that it’s time to ‘do the deed’ in wordless, clumsy mime are long gone. These days, you have just as much right (and responsibility!) to take the initiative between the sheets!
He might think you have something in your eye when you flutter your eyelashes at him in a concerted effort to communicate ‘come hither’… or, he might interpret your hurried undressing as a sign of your wanting to hit the sack as quickly as possible. But don’t distress, there are hundreds of thousands of ways that you can take the initiative in bed. Here are a just a few ideas to get you started:

  • Tell him what you think of him frequently (and leave the less flattering detail out!). When he undresses in front of you in the morning, look at him and try your best to identify an area of his body that you find irresistible (no, it’s not that difficult!). Now tell him about it. This way, you plant a seed in his head which communicates that you find his body irresistible and that you want it near you, says Wilmé Steenekamp, sexologist, medical doctor and psychological therapist.
  • Make physical contact with him during the day. Certain things work for certain men. Learn what he finds pleasurable, and where his pleasure ‘buttons’ are. Stroke him when you walk past, rub his neck seductively while you’re watching television and, when he looks in your direction, look at him with an expression that says “Yes, that’s exactly what I'm thinking about…” advises Wilmé.
  • Tell him about a daydream that made you feel like having sex. Or better still, set your alarm and wake him up gently. Tell him: “Was it a dream, or did you just give me the orgasm of a lifetime? It was a dream … that’s a pity, but we still have three-quarters of an hour before the kids wake up …”
  • Wear the shortest nightie that you own, and don't wear any underwear with it. The idea is that you show him your bottom when you bend over. Spray your most expensive perfume on, light a few candles in the bedroom, and play sexy music. Pour both of you a glass of wine and give him a long, intimate kiss. Tell him you need to excuse yourself for a moment. Take your earrings off, and walk three steps away before dropping one of them on the floor ‘by accident’. Bend over slowly with your buttocks and ankles a metre or two away from him, and glance backwards with a naughty look on your face … leave the rest to him, advises Steve Ubah, author of the book Passion Keys: a woman’s ultimate guide to unlocking the love in a man’s heart. (
  • Wilmé shares another tip: when you’re lying in bed with your back towards him, move a little backwards until you’re lying snug against his body in a ‘spooning’ position. Push your buttocks out, a la Marilyn Monroe, and wiggle it against that part of his body that will definitely wake up once it senses your sensational moves (even if he is in dreamland already).
  • Leave him a message under his pillow. The item in question should be something that communicates your intentions very clearly. A block of chocolate may say ‘I have PMS, so handle me gently’ (and it could melt …), a flower could have him wondering: ‘Did I forget Valentine's Day?’, but a sexy g-string or a bottle of lubricant can only be interpreted one way!
  • If it’s difficult for you to verbalise certain naughty words, write them down! Send him your own erotica throughout the day … but make sure he has a personal email address and doesn't allow anyone to go through his emails (unless you want everyone at his year-end function to visualise you in your Father Christmas outfit brandishing strawberries and cream!). You could also write him his own special story. If you need inspiration from well-known romance novels, look on the internet and adapt the stories accordingly. There should be a main character (which he should identify immediately as himself), a heroine (who has no inhibitions) and lots of ‘action’ that should be described in great detail. If this doesn't get his heart racing, you should seriously start to question his sexual orientation!
  • Next time, when his sister calls from the Cape (the one that always interrupts dinner with stories about her children's strange habits, concerns about your mother-in-law's hallucinations and her own hypochondriacal tendencies), take things into your own hands, writes Nancy Evans on Give him a reason to cut her short by sticking your hands under his shirt. Undo his buttons slowly, then proceed to unfasten his belt … and zip. The moment that your hands reach that place which has him unable to control his voice, you know you have him wrapped around your finger. Within seconds, he's sure to come up with a creative excuse as to why he can’t chat. And remember not to leave it there when he does put down (or drops!) the phone.
  • Play boss! You don't need handcuffs, a whip or tight leather clothes with studs to show your husband who’s boss from time to time! If he is used to choosing the position, controlling the rhythm and doing all the talking, it will be an unexpected (and welcome) surprise when you tell him that it’s his turn to listen. Instruct him to lie dead still while you proceed to take the lead. Lie on top of him, and let the fun begin …
  • It is important that you have self-confidence when you initiate sex. Try to see yourself as a sensual being. If this is a difficult step to take, first stand in front of the mirror completely naked, and take in everything that you see. Touch yourself and experience yourself as a sexy diva — which is exactly what you are! Hollywood actress Halle Berry enjoys initiating sex. She told Esquire magazine: "Sexiness is about knowing what's sexy to you. To me, spaghetti is sexy, especially when it's served off the tips of a man's fingers. I like that. And I think wine is sexy, just before sex. It relaxes me … it's about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments."
  • Be prepared for the fact that you may be rejected (this is a rare occurence, but sometimes he may simply not be in the mood, may have had a rough day or may be worrying about something you aren't even aware of.) If this is a frightening thought to you, remind yourself of the times that you turned your back on him. If he can handle it, so can you. (Though a man who doesn't appreciate this kind of initiative from a woman is one in a thousand. Don't underestimate him!)

And for you, Adam…
Perhaps you’re one of countless men who would love your wife to take the initiative in the bedroom, although it seems that this isn’t going to happen in your lifetime! Remember that sex is more of an emotional event for women, and a physical one for men (not the most surprising news you've heard all year, right?) Think about what it means to her. Here’s the secret: your wife is waiting for you to initiate what she wants so that she can initiate what you want! Doing the following few powerful things from your side will make her more likely to take the steps that you've waited for for so long:

  • Start to tell your wife that she’s beautiful on a daily basis.
  • Start to notice and acknowledge the things your wife does well.
  • Start to compliment your wife in front of other people.
  • Start to do helpful things around the house without being asked.
  • Start to be more loving and caring towards the children.

It’s as simple as that! And remember to solve any conflict that may be brewing between the two of you by asking her forgiveness. After you’ve taken the lead and established a loving, emotional connection with your wife, she’ll be ready to head off to the bedroom, says Calle Zorro (