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19March2019

Intimacy4us

When he’s afraid of marriage

You met your dream man. You want to marry this prince on his white horse and have a string of babies with him. The only problem is that he doesn’t know it!

Why men are frightened when they hear wedding bells?
There are thousands of women who date men who don’t even believe in marriage. You might be asking yourself the question of whether he would ever be able to completely devote them to you or are they just going to break your heart?

Some women have been waiting years for Mr. Right to pop the question. For years she devoted herself to him and one day she just hears that he’s had enough. A few months later he gets married to another woman?

It is natural for men to be scared. If you know that he wants a wife at his side one day, you can try and out what it is that he’s afraid of and work on that to strengthen your relationship.

Why does commitment terrify men? He is probably scared that:

He’ll lose his independence. Even though he loves you completely, he does not want to be around you 24/7. If you give him his freedom, and he doesn’t have to plead for an ‘off’-night, he will appreciate you more.

You’ll want to change him. Men don’t want to be changed. If you have a problem, talk to him, but don’t moan in his ears.

You would change and no longer be the fun, loving girl you used to be. He wants to be your hero, but he doesn’t want to be responsible for your happiness. Show him that you are happy and he only contributes to that happiness.

He would have to report back to you on whatever he does. What terrifies him is that he would have to report to you about his finances and time. Trust him, unless you have a good reason not to.

Your relationship might get boring. You will get comfortable in a long term relationship and start to paint your toenails in front of him. But don’t get comfortable too soon. Keep him interested in you.

He would not have a say. If you start telling him how nice it was to have met him and how nice your life is going to be together, he will run!

Ultimately there’s only that much you can do from your side. Even if you do everything right, he might still dodge jewellery stores.

What do you do if your man just really doesn’t want to get married? It often happens that women fall in love with a wonderful man who is just not into marriage.

If ‘happily ever after” has always been in your future plans, you are in a difficult position. Do you move on to someone who is willing to get married? Do you have to work harder to make him marry you, or do you wait patiently? It appears to depend on many things, and men who don’t want to take that big step falls under three categories:

Firstly, there are those who want to get married, but need to make extra sure it is the right one, and will wait for the right time. Secondly, there are those with commitment phobia who never want to get married. Thirdly, there are those who want to get married, only later and not with you! The last group also consist of two different groups: the group that talks and those that don’t. Most of these fall under the last group. This doesn’t provide you with any conclusion and you have to guess which type he is.

Which approach do you have to follow?

Tough Love (for men that can’t get to marriage)

In her book, Getting to I do (HarperCollins Publishers), Patricia Allen states that before you say something to your boyfriend like the following: “I understand that you don’t want to get married and that is fine, but I need it, so if you feel that you can’t marry me then we should rather end this relationship” you have to make sure you’ll be fine if the relationship does end.  She alleges that men take an average eight weeks to decide. If he doesn’t phone you within this time period, forget about him, he’s not coming back.

Women need to seek a man that tends to her needs and desires, not one that suppresses them. She has to love herself more than the man that doesn’t meet her requirements.

Patricia argues that this is not an ultimatum, but a decision not to settle for less than you deserve. If a girl wants to get married, her man needs to understand that and she needs to give him time to make that decision. The ultimatum is only when you suspect or he said that he never wants to get married or that you are not a part of his future plans.

Sobriety (about the man that’s going to leave you or marry another woman)

Steven Carte and Julia Sokol they state in one of their articles that men who suffer from incurable commitment issues reveal some characteristics. They have a history of short relationships and all these excuses for not finding the right woman yet. They claim that there are still loads of time to find the right one and often use their favourite words “One day…”. They move on quite quickly from relationships and will usually stop at nothing to get they girl they’re trying to control. They are charming and romantic and really show their love, they can because they know the relationship is not going to last.

They usually play the tempting seductive game. They don’t give themselves to the relationship but can’t leave it either. Both options leave them feeling suffocated. They love the chase but don’t care much for the catch.  Requests for respect seem like a tall order and makes them rebellious. They place their work, friends and family in different compartments and think of excuses why this girl can not meet them. They don’t like planning, it takes commitment and these men are unreliable.

Researchers suggest that before you jump into bed with a man with commitment issues, make sure you know his relationship history and walk away when he shows these characteristics. If you are already involved with this man, make sure you set the pace and not him. Stay independent and know that your love is not going to change him. By giving him space, you might stand a chance. Don’t make excuses for him; determine if he would be capable of changing.

Patience (with the man that wants to get married, just not now)

Gillian Reynolds writes in his Ezine article (www.ezinearticles.com) that a man with commitment issues needs to be handled carefully. It doesn’t matter what he says, he will probably want to get married some day. If you want him to ask you one day, avoid conversations about marriage. If he said it once, that he wants to get married, that’s enough. Don’t hint for it or tell him how happy your married friends are. The more you pressure him in this direction, the more he will distance himself from it.

If your boyfriend is unsure, don’t open up all your emotions to him. Be subtle and hold some emotions back.  Be less available and organise girls’ activities. The aim is not to make him jealous or to play hard to get, so don’t invite men. He just has to know that you can enjoy live without him and the chances that you can slip through his fingers are good. This will make him think twice about what he wants out of life.

Sometimes it is not healthy to stay in a relationship which isn’t good for you. To walk away means you stop setting hopeless expectations. Writer Yangki Christine Akiteng says: “I think most people just give up too easily”. This is the sad truth of our modern society. We think that relationships come in organised neat packages with instructions. “Add a bit of sex and live happily ever after.” Most people don’t realise that relationships take work and effort.

For women who jump from one relationship to another it is just as easy to end it if things don’t go their way. Think your situation through. If you know things will never change, it might be time to go.

REMEMBER THE FOLLOWING:

1.    Love yourself. If you can’t love yourself, how do you expect someone else to love you?
2.    Know your role. Both of you have an important and irreplaceable roles in the relationship.
3.    Be emotionally stable. A drama queen is exhausting.
4.    Keep your dates exciting. If he enjoys being with you, he would want to keep you.
5.    Show your love with style, a particular look and soft kiss, not inappropriate clinging behaviour.
6.    Glow. If what’s going on in your heart shows on your face, he would melt.
7.    Love him unconditionally. It’s a choice not a feeling.
8.    Argue when it’s necessary. Discuss your issues properly without bringing up things in the past.
9.    Respect him. If you flirt with other men, don’t expect a ring from him.
10.    Know what you want in a husband and make that clear to him in a subtle way.
11.    Stay the person he once fell in love with.
12.    Be the best person that you can be. Emphasize your positive qualities, talents and interests.
13.    Expect good things and believe that you will find your dream man.
14.    Stay exciting. Practise a new type of sport, travel . . . keep your life interesting.
15.    Be positive, fearless and enjoy life.
16.    Be honest from day one.

Additional sources: www.relationship-remedies.com; www.takeinhand.com; www.menandcommitment.com; www.wikihow.com;