Screen

Profile

Direction

Menu Style

Cpanel

18September2019

Intimacy4us

Your best friend is cheating on her husband!


Through thick and thin she has been your friend for many years. But for some or other reason she has become very elusive of late. Until you discover the reason by accident . . . she is cheating on her husband with another man. What is your role as her loyal (but fair) friend?

You and your best friend have come a long way – you know each other, trust each other and are very loyal to each other – but now you’re sitting with a very big problem. You have seen the signs coming for some time – your friend can’t prevent herself from telling you about this very attractive man that works with her on a current team project.

She reveals a bunch of little things that this colleague says,how he attracts attention and advice he has given her. You can just see how her eyes sparkle when talking about him and notice how motivated she has lately been to spend hours and hours  at work. Two months ago, her team at work went away for a weekend on a team building excursion and thereafter, it got a lot worse.

Since that weekend you start to notice that she is sharing more details with you about how her and her husband’s relationship - how they don’t see eye to eye and how his endless jealousy drives her mad. You start to think that your intuitions are spot on and that she and her colleague are in some sort of relationship. What lay ahead and how must you handle it?

Tips and guidelines:

  • Be kind to yourself and realise that you may be shocked and may doubt whether you can trust your judgement of people.
  • You may feel very confused and wonder whether you ever really knew this friend of yours – she is after all doing the one thing that you never expected of her! You may wonder whether you can trust her.
  • If she is your best friend, but you don’t necessarily have a good relationship with her husband, you will have to discuss the situation with her only.
  • Think carefully about what it is you want to say about this and create the ideal opportunity where you are both calm, have enough time and are physically private and can be close to each other. You must be able to make eye contact and she must be able to experience your sincerity
  • Bare in mind that you can’t decide on her values for her and that your values wont necessarily be the same as hers.
  • Also remember that you can’t force your values onto her or blame her if she behaves differently than you would.
  • Your opinion of her may very well be influenced, and how you act on this will have to be decided on over time.
  • Share your concerns over your suspicions with her but in a non-confrontational manner, and a non-judgemental manner.
  • Explain to her that the reason you are talking to her is because you care about her and don’t want her to get hurt.
  • Assure her that you are not judging her, but that you want to understand what is going on and how she got herself into such a situation.
  • Bare in mind that this is the first time she will be able to share with you that she is very unhappy in her marriage and this may shock you. You may also wonder if this is really the case, and why she hasn’t gotten the necessary help for the things that worried her before.
  • Encourage her to seek professional help – as an individual or with her husband, so that she gets the chance to look at her situation objectively.
  • If she has children, remind her that they will also get hurt in such a situation.
  • Then you can just remain a friend and be loyal to her. You can encourage her when she seeks help or when she decides to share what is going on with her husband. You can comfort her when she gets hurt. You can pin point when she behaves in a certain manner that she didn’t necessarily notice herself before. You are after all her friend.
  • Friends remain loyal to each other, but are also honest with each other and can pinpoint things when one friend thinks the other is maybe making a mistake. Friends can give each other perspective.

Keep in contact with your friend and keep expressing and showing your concerns - that is why you are looking out for her and making her aware of things that could hurt her.

By WILMÉ STEENEKAMP