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Divorce? Never! Murder? Hmmm...

As much as we love them, so often they drive us crazy! But next time your hubby forgets on number 99 to get eggs for the soufflé that was supposed to make your mother-in-law not doubt her son’s marriage choice, turn those murderous thoughts into solutions!

Men are often like naughty children. Sorry, “often” is the incorrect word. “Normally” is better. Your hubby most likely brings out emotions in you that you didn’t even know existed. Have you heard of the saying: “I have never considered divorce. But murder? Often.” Even though it’s a joke amongst us ladies, and is a bit of tongue in cheek, it’s true that he can make you so angry that you’ll be willing to walk across hot coals. Its then that suitcases full of clothes get thrown out of windows and crockery fly through the air.

But do you benefit? All you get is a heap of washing and an incomplete crockery set! So, the next time you harbour murderous thoughts, turn them around into a positive plan – it might just turn your frog into a prince!

Situation 1: Your mother-in-law told company that her little angel’s the most hardworking person on earth, while you know he won’t even clean up a crumb after himself. The worst of all: He agreed with her!

Your thoughts: “Today I commit murder! And I’ll make it two at the same time. Where is the gun safes key?

Plan of action: Leave mother-in-law and hubby at home with the dishes so she can see how diligent he really is. Go straight to the costume shop and get yourself a cowgirl outfit with place for two toy guns. Your outfit must consist of a short denim skirt, shirt, cowboy hat and naturally a pair of boots. Pack everything into your boot, go and get rid of your anger at the nearest spa and stay there until one of your victims leave (hopefully mother-in-law!). Ask the spa if you can get dressed there and drive home. When you arrive home, go and stand in front of hubby with your legs apart, with your hands on your hips and tell him: “Your money or your life!” Yes, you’re serious! He must take out his wallet so that he can pay for the cleaning services that will be arriving later to clean up after him and his mother. Then you can reward him for his cooperation! In that outfit he will know exactly how!

Poker you here...
Situation 2: You have three little ones under the age of 5 and hubby spent the day playing golf and with all your heart you know that being a mom is the hardest job on earth, he arrives home all relaxed and asks what’s for dinner.

Your thoughts: “Where is the nearest knife to cut out his heart? Ah, the fire poker! And the fireplace... it’ll be arson just to make sure!”

Plan of action: Phone your mother, your sister or anyone else that will understand that you are about to have a nervous breakdown and ask them if the kids can come and stay with them till tomorrow. You can use bribery – anything, as long as you can get a good night sleep! As soon as the kids are gone, go and sleep. This plan works best on a cold winter’s morning, because it must be cold enough to light a fire (in the fire place or under his butt!). While he’s still sleeping, get to work. Use the fire poker to... stoke the fire! Put a thick throw in front of the fire and go and wake him up (yes, it’s part of his punishment) and in your Eve state (and for your pleasure) lead him to the fireplace. While you are undressing him slowly, nibble (don’t bite) on his chest and tell him in your most seductive voice that if he wants more of this he must help you more around the house. He will agree!

Noose around the neck
Situation 3: You suspect your man is on the run! As soon as he comes home, he’s off somewhere again. He arrived home yesterday from a hunting trip and has just told you he’s going fishing this weekend!

Your thoughts: “Is this what I married? A Gypsy? I’ll throttle him!”

Plan of action: If you’re afraid a rope is not going to work, search in your cupboard for a belt. Keep a nice silk scarf handy too. When he gets home, wait for him behind the door in lacy underwear and grab him. (Greet him in a sexy way so that he will know it’s you and not a thief!) Bind his eyes closed with the scarf and lead him to the bedroom. When you get there tell him that you have to discuss all his time away from home... and that he must lie still for his punishment. Bind his hands to the headboard with the rope, belt or other scarves. Rub yourself against him and let him feel the lace on all his sensitive areas. This’ll put him in a state of ecstasy, because he can’t touch you and he’s being teased and there’s nothing he can do about it, it will make him crazy from pleasure! Do what you want to do till he reaches an orgasm. Now take off his blindfold while you’re still sitting open legged in front of him and ask in a naughty way,” Are you sure you can survive a whole weekend without this?”

Poisonous apple activities
Situation 4: He creeps into his cave and says nothing. You might as well be married to a mute. Communication’s a strange concept for him. You’ve planned a breakaway for the two of you so that you can talk again, but he forgot to tell you he’s on duty this weekend...

Your thoughts: “And they judged Daisy de Melker? Where’s the rat poison?”

Plan of action: Unfortunately this plan’s not going to get your man to talk. He’ll maybe start to sing, like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music! Forget your plans of going to the hardware shop for poison or the chemist for sleeping pills and rather go to the supermarket – for sherbet! Yes, you heard right. After that go and get yourself a black wig and red lipstick. Put on a pretty dress, while he’s watching television and bonding with the remote... come closer, take the remote out of his hands, put the television off and kneel in front of him. Say,” I thought about being the horrible witch in Snow White, but I then remembered that it was Snow White who walked away with the prince...” Take his clothes off – right there in front of the television, tilt the packet of sherbet into your mouth and give him the most amazing oral sex of his life. Stop every now and again and ask, “How does it feel?” If he nods his head, look up and ask: “Excuse me?” There’s no way that both of you won’t enjoy this. If he keeps quiet then slowly move to other parts of his body. If he tries to move your head back but keeps quiet, be as stubborn as a mule. He will realize that he has to open his mouth to get you to do what he wants! When you are done and hubby has been bowled over (he’ll not be able to believe his luck and will never be able to read Snow White to the kids with a straight face ever again...), wink and say: “Prince speak...” before you leave the room. He’ll know exactly what you mean and follow you!