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Three days to new intimacy . . .

Do you know what intimacy is? It’s one of those intangible things that makes you and your partner feel close. It is something that makes you feel as if you can conquer the world together and as if nothing else matters – as long as your partner is there.

It is the shared trying times that lead to intimacy . . . You become older, you get kids and when everything is going well you feel as if you can conquer anything together. But then life happens. The nitty gritty comes in and slowly the intimacy goes flying out the window and eventually it feels as if you are housemates and just civil (or rather not so civil) with each other. So, how do you get that secret ingredient back in your life?

Many people are of the opinion that there is nothing wrong with a short relationship between people that get married quickly – just add the passion! So says Dr JR Bruns and RA Richards II. They are, however, making a mistake, says experts, by mistaking infatuation with true intimacy. Psychologist Harriet Lerner from the Menninger Clinic says that intimacy is a “relationship where one can be one’s self and provide space for someone else to do the same, where we deepen and redefine the truths we tell each other, where we hear each other and talk to each other about sensitive information”.

Unfortunately it is also true that if you are married to a very compatible partner and your marriage is in a good place you are not always on the same spiritual level as your partner.

Married couples lose their passion through the years due to various reasons – like financial pressure, the pressure of raising children and a lack of communication. In time couples begin to take each other for granted due to their busy schedules. Men and women begin to forget that their relationship needs to be maintained. So how do you get the spark back? How do you get the intimacy you once had back?

Put aside three days for this intimacy plan – preferably Wednesday, Thursday and Friday before the weekend that you want to share (so the weekend can be used to strengthen the bonds of intimacy). Yes, it is possible to get your intimacy back to level where you feel intensely in love with each other in three days. Try it.


1. Set the alarm for a bit earlier this morning. Wake each other up with a kiss and a hug. Read something from the Bible together. Talk about it and pray together. Pray for your marriage and that you can discover a new level of intimacy together.
2. Think long and hard about the negative behaviour in your marriage. What are the most of your arguments about? Do you criticise him in front of other people? Does he refuse to help you with the kids? These are the intimacy thieves. Place these thieves in prison today so they cannot control your marriage. Decide that for the next three days at least you will fight against these bad habits with everything in you.
3. For the next three days sex is a non-negotiable. You should thus begin this morning. The truth is: The more sex you have, the more you want to have. And when you have sex a connection of the soul takes place – it is impossible not to feel close to your partner if you just made love.
4. Shower together. A lot of couples complain that they do not have the opportunity to have alone time together. Yes, the children can bother you everywhere, but hopefully they leave you alone when you shower. Do it together. In this manner you create an intimate environment and the opportunity to feel close to each other.
5. Show your love in front of the kids. It is the best gift you can give them by holding each other and giving each other hugs in front of them. They will see an example of what their future relationships are supposed to be like.
6. Tonight, before bed time, write down five things your partner did when you were younger and that you miss. For example, write: “I liked it that you always took my hand when we crossed a street.” Exchange lists before you go to bed and really make an effort to fulfil your spouse’s needs.


1. When you wake up this morning talk about what each of you think romance is. Men and women look at it differently. For him a sexy nighty is probably romantic and for you it is romantic when he heats the bed before you get in. Listen carefully to your spouse’s definition of romance and take it to heart.
2. Look at your diary for the next month. Now fill in a date night and organize a romantic weekend for the next three months. This might sound very unromantic and everything except spontaneous, but if you wait for spontaneity the date night might never happen.
3. Do something nice for your bedroom – create a creative atmosphere for sex. It depends on your budget and time. If you have lots of time you might make something pretty (like a piece of art for the wall). If you have lots of money you can always buy a new set of Egyptian cotton bed sheets. If you are low on time and money you could get a bunch of field flowers.
4. Give your full attention to your spouse when he is speaking. Give him a nice compliment and make it a priority to make your spouse a priority. Take a walk around the block and talk about the important things. Or sit on the porch and chat over a cup of coffee.
5. Be thoughtful. Call your spouse if you see that you are going to work late. Ask him what he would like for dinner. Give him a chance to quickly shower before you do. It comes down to basic manners, to thinking about the other person and it is magic in a marriage!
6. Stay home tonight. When the kids are asleep, put off the television and cell phones and get a board game or a deck of cards. Make sure that there’s no background music to disturb you and focus on each other. As you play, touch your spouse.


1. After you have done your Bible study this morning, talk to each other about your goals or you ten-year-plan. A couple that dreams together can accomplish a lot as long as you work together towards a future, you can overcome a lot. Write it down next to a date in your diaries and place reminders on your phones for when you have to review these goals. Also write a mission statement for you marriage and family in which you write the growth you want for your marriage and family.
2. Give each other a kiss that is at least seven seconds long. Many married couples forget to kiss each other and underestimate the value of a good kiss.
3. Make sure to praise your spouse in public today or tonight or give him a compliment in front of someone else. If you have been scattered in different directions the entire day, call your mother and tell her what an amazing man you married (with him in hearing distance).
4. Enjoy a picnic on the floor tonight. Sharing a blanket and finger food is a very intimate experience. This change from the normal will also be exciting and in this simple act, sitting across each other, you will realise that all you really need is each other.
5. Keep eye contact with your spouse. Good eye contact is a sign that your spouse’s words are important to you. It will make him feel appreciated.
6. Tell your spouse tonight how important he is to you. That you don’t need anything more than his presence in your life and that you have big dreams for your marriage. Also tell him how thankful you are for everything he did for you and everything he still does.

After trying this plan for three days go ahead and implement it as a regular experience in your marriage and in no time you will see how the two of you grow closer together.

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Written by Annelize Steyn