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10 things you shouldn't think of during sex

Ever had a moment of passion ruined by a random thought about why you don’t see white dog poo lying around anymore, like you used to in the 80s? Don’t panic; everyone has completely inappropriate thoughts during sex – here are 10 of them from inside our wondering minds…

  1. ‘Was this the position I was conceived in?’ Once you’ve thought it, it just won’t go away. You’ll need costly therapy sessions, and possibly Valium.
  2. ‘Am I going to burn in hell for this?’ If there’s a religious bone in your body, you may inadvertently suffer the occasional pang of guilt when doing ‘the beast with two bums’ for pleasure rather than procreation. Next time, remember hell might not be that bad (River Phoenix is there for starters).
  3. ‘Oh God, my ankles look fat wrapped around his head!’ Ask any porn director: this is a bad angle for everyone. Switch off the lights and get back to thinking about Daniel Craig emerging from the ocean as James Bond.
  4. ‘ARGH! Is that a spider?’ With romantic lighting, strange shadows appear everywhere. Suddenly that crack in the plaster looks like a hairy arachnid and your mood is ruined. Yet another reason for the easily distracted to do it in the dark.
  5. ‘Why does his sex face remind me of Marc Lottering?’ He can’t help it. Try not to think about it.
  6. ‘What is latex anyway?’ It’s a good question, and one that isn’t asked often enough. You put that stuff inside you, but what is it? Where does it come from? How do you make it? Well, your average latex condom begins life as milky white sap, which is extracted from a tree in somewhere like Thailand and taken to a local factory to be processed and moulded into something you can safely put on a knob. We hope that clears things up.
  7. ‘Is that a hair growing out of my nipple?’ Relax, it’s probably just one of his stray chest hairs sticking to your sweaty areola – but don’t draw attention to it by trying to flick it off in front of him, just in case it is attached. Shit happens when you get past 30.
  8. ‘How many calories in a mouthful of semen?’ About six, if you must know.
  9. ‘Would a roller blind look better up there?’ Nobody wants to look up at the ceiling, or, in some cases, his face (see 5), so eyes may wander to the window dressing. Make sure you don’t have family photos on the sill.
  10. ‘Would I do that to me if I was a man?’ He’s in his stride, but what he’s doing is borderline odd. Why would he enjoy that for heaven’s sake? Whatever you do, don’t dwell here for too long, just go with it, and enjoy the moment.